Grief Issues

Death of a spouse

If your husband or wife has died, you will probably experience the common symptoms of grief. At first, you may even deny that your spouse has died. Anger and guilt will follow. And then you may begin to feel like a spectator, as if you can only see but not feel the outside world. This is nature's way of insulating you, so you can adjust to a new life. It is not unusual for the surviving spouse to become preoccupied with the person who died. You may have dreams or nightmares and you may even think you see or hear your spouse. In fact, the intensity of your reactions may frighten you. You must realize that no matter how extreme your reactions may seem, they're quite normal for a grieving spouse. It's important that you vent your feelings and not be afraid to talk openly with family and friends. Express your anger and lean on friends during this time of sadness. There is no timetable for grief. If you're worried that you are not coping well with your grief, the funeral director can offer valuable advice as well as referrals to community professionals who can assist you.

When a child dies

The death of a child is always a shock. The death destroys the hopes and dreams of the parents for their child and it forces the family to face an event they were totally unprepared to handle. Most parents who have lost a child describe the pain that follows as the most intense they've ever experienced. Many find it helpful to join a support group. The grief can be more manageable when shared with others who have overcome a comparable death experience. Everyone grieves in different ways and with various intensities. Experts compare the death of a child to having surgery. The healing process will follow, but there will always be a scar.

Helping grieving children

Death is sad, but it is a part of the cycle of life. A funeral is an important occasion for a family. Children should have the same privileges as other members of a family, including the privilege of saying good-bye to a family member at a formal affair. You will need to explain the details of the service ahead of time, so the child will be relaxed and less confused by what he or she is about to witness. Prepare the child for looking at the deceased, if the casket is to be open. Also talk about the sadness of the occasion and that people will be crying and expressing their feelings. You may want the child to sit close to someone who can answer questions during the service. And you'll definitely want to discuss the service and death afterwards with the child. No matter how therapeutic the funeral may be, a child should never be forced to attend. If the child is too apprehensive, do not make him or her feel guilty about staying away from the services.

Your funeral home will usually have pamphlets, coloring books or other resources to assist you in helping your child. Hanson-Runsvold's Resource Library has a variety of these materials available to check out at any time.

Supporting others

Funerals bring families and friends together for mutual support. During this process, your grieving friend may not have a chance to tell you what your presence means, but know that it is very comforting to have you nearby. You can show you care by a hug, a firm handshake, or a gentle pat on the shoulder. There is no need for profound words of compassion; a simple and sincere "I'm sorry" will suffice. Survivors need to talk about the deceased. It's very important for you to listen to your friend without judging or commenting or relating your personal experiences. Grieving is hard work and it can last a long time. If you are able to lighten the daily chore load by offering to cook, do laundry, or take care of the children, it will be appreciated. Remember that the death of someone close can change a person. Your friend is trying to put his or her life back together and the relationship you have with your friend may change. It's very important that the friendship continues. Your funeral home has resources that will give you other ideas for assisting grieving loved ones.

Support within our community

Please refer to our Resources page for community support group information.